Being self-aware is self-care
Self-esteem built on external validation isn't stable. I'm building mine by honoring my needs, giving up the things I don't want in my life and cherishing those I do.
One of the things I’ve been working on is unhinging my self-worth and my identity from work. Who am I if not a journalist? What is my value if I’m not “contributing to society” through a job?
I haven’t been a full-time employee since June. I have been working but on more of a on-call, project to project-like basis. It isn’t consistent. And I mostly answer to myself. It’s scary at times; however, I think this time is necessary for me to build-up confidence and recover from burn-out.
For so long, my self-esteem was bolstered by kudos I’d receive at work: people requesting to sit at my table, collecting the most star stickers for getting customers to fill-out surveys, receiving comments and thank you cards from customers, clients, and readers. Whether I was a waitress, a cashier, or a journalist, I thrived on that external validation.
Without this exchange, my confidence has always fallen flat. When a boss doesn’t express appreciation for my work on a somewhat-consistent basis, it feels like a rejection of who I am. And, while I do think appreciation and recognition is something we all deserve, I didn’t like how much I was relying on it.
Stepping forward into uncertainty — jobless and unstructured — felt like the next step in my personal development. My financial ability to do this is pretty limited (mostly reliant on previously unspent student loans) and has a shelf life. I wasn’t sure I’d ever get another chance. How many opportunities do you get to take time off? For most Americans, it may not be until retirement, which isn’t guaranteed.
I had to go for it!
I know it is a privileged place to be, especially since, up until this point, I’ve always worked. Sometimes I worked multiple jobs at once. The hustle was real and, looking back, I may have been a workaholic. I rarely turned down extra tables, shifts, or assignments. I filled my schedule, yes, to pay bills, but also, I think, to avoid my demons.
Self-awareness isn’t easy when you’re too busy to reflect on your patterns and behaviors. Down time made me uneasy, anxious, and lonely.
When I finally stopped taking on second and third jobs, I made up for it by not saying “no” to demanding family members, boyfriends or that girl I went to class with that one time. The loudest person, the one who expressed the most need, would be the one to win my attention. It was just easier that way.
At times, my real friendships suffered. I turned down opportunities to make new connections. I avoided cousins who tried to reconnect with me. And I repeatedly sacrificed my relationship with myself.
One of the signs of depression is "losing interest” in things you used to enjoy. But what if there wasn’t anything that filled that category in the first place? What if you grew up never allowing yourself to feel that way about anything?
So, what do I enjoy?
Answers my 20-something self should have given:
pleasing others
making people like me
making people laugh (often at my own expense)
not making people angry
getting good grades
not feeling uncomfortable in my clothes
not saying something stupid in front of others
not having to make decisions (especially about where we’re eating)
sleeping in
being good at my job
secretly thinking I’m the boss’ favorite
I’m not sharing this to be all woe-is-me. I had to learn the hard way, but I did learn. I’m learning still. Thankfully, most of the decisions I made weren’t catastrophic to my or anyone else’s life. I managed to work and win awards during this time because, ahem, I thrived on that validation as well as an honest desire to help others. I believed that sacrificing for others, though, was a valuable trait — the most valued, actually.
Not being “needy” was the thing that made me lovable.
I grew suspicious of this and, like I do, started asking questions. I forced myself over and over again to express my needs — to sometimes ask for what I wanted or expected. I wasn’t subtle or eloquent. It didn’t (and doesn’t) come naturally. It’s possible that many people I tried this with just didn’t appreciate the way I attempted this. I wouldn’t blame them for that. I didn’t realize I was learning a new language. But they often didn’t know the language either and labeled me “needy,” reinforcing what I had already been taught: that my needs weren’t important or were, at least, less important than other peoples’ AND that asking for your needs to be met is undesirable at best.
This meant I never asked for help.
And I tried to keep my expectations low. Anything more than that just made everyone upset.
Life is full of transitions and I can feel I’m in one now. I’m not exactly sure what my path is but I’m finally giving myself the space to try new things and figure it out.
To reassure you that I am OK, I will add that, now that I’m in my 30s, I can name plenty of things that bring me joy, including:
warm sunshine
being around my stuff
playing outside with the dog or with other people
being around children
experimenting in the kitchen
thrift shopping
conversations about deep topics
giving or receiving physical affection (from select parties)
reading books
writing a clever sentence
learning something new
the scent of jasmine or honeysuckle
dancing
any interaction with my nephew
To figure out what you enjoy, sometimes you need to start by identifying the things you don’t. I won’t list all mine. Instead, I recommend reading “The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck" by Sarah Knight. If you don’t like to read, she also has a podcast I haven’t listened to and a YouTube video I haven’t watched.
Disclosure: I am trying out Bookshop.org and joined their affiliate program. If you buy a book through the above link, I will earn a small commission.
Since reading it, I’ve tried to restructure my life to include more of the things I do enjoy and fewer things I don’t. My tendency to be influenced by the needs and wants of others hasn’t disappeared. It is so deep in me that sometimes I don’t realize I’m doing it. My clue: I start feeling resentful. (My inner child is screaming “What about me?!)
But at least I have a clue now.
And a list of things I enjoy, most of which I get to do every single day.
Another thoughtful post. I completely understand seeking validation from others. Recognizing your own awesomeness can be difficult. I know I struggle with it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It's always like a clean breeze blowing cobwebs out of my own head.