Always more to learn for this ingénue!

I started taking an acting class for beginners and, during the first session, the teacher explained character development. Thankfully, by the next week, she had handed out a list of questions for new students to reference in relation to this.

• Who am I? Do I have family? What is important in my history? What are my home circumstances like?

• What do I want? What’s my overall objective? What is my objective in each scene?

• What or who is my obstacle in achieving what I want?

• How do I get what I want?

I made a joke about needing the answers for our characters only — not our REAL LIFE selves. My teacher, who often responds literally to the one liners I’d like to be laughed at and let go, seemed to suggest that YES, I should know (or, at least, be on my way to knowing) these answers in my own, very real life too.

Image credit: Courtesy British Library P.P.5242.dc.

But should I know them by now? I just turned 34!

I’m convinced my teacher thinks I’m younger than I am, meaning I’m further behind than she realizes. (I’m the youngest in the class by at least two decades. This is Palm Springs, after all.)

I didn’t think my age was a big deal, but it keeps coming up. I’ve been dubbed the “ingénue,” which is one of those words that sounds fancy and prestigious in French yet may actually be an insult in English. Not knowing any French, I looked it up: an innocent or unsophisticated young woman, especially in a play or film.

Factual, yes (based on my complete lack of acting experience. Whether or not I’m still considered young depends on your perspective). But … more via Wikipedia:

The term comes from the feminine form of the French adjective ingénu meaning "ingenuous" or innocent, virtuous and candid. The term may also imply a lack of sophistication and cunning.

I’ve never even been in a school play. I was too afraid of something about the stage despite my dormant interest in it. I did audition once. It was senior year and I knew the spring musical was my last chance before graduation. I sang a bad rendition of the Cardigans’ “Lovefool” for the music teacher and a few others.

I’m no singer nor do I strive to be. I think karaoke is more fun when people with no chance at winning American Idol get drunk and make fools of themselves (myself included). If you’re talented and you go to bar karaoke, it isn’t karaoke anymore, it’s your solo performance and maybe you should be at an open mic instead. You’re ruining it for us neophytes! END RANT.

In the spring musical, everyone who auditioned got a role — even terrible singers with zero choreography skills and zero acting experience (18-year-old me).

I didn’t feel I even deserved a spot in the background. I wasn’t ready to make a fool of myself on such a large scale. I dropped out before the first practice.

Instead, as usual, I videotaped the show for our local broadcast station / and for credit in my mass media class. I’ve often preferred to stay behind the camera and the pen.

But I wonder, has this buffer between me and the world made me an ingénue in life?

I am more outgoing, extroverted, and brave when I have a camera strapped around my neck and a deadline to meet. My reporter’s notebook doesn’t just allow me to take notes, it steadies my nerves — without it, what do I do with my hands?

In my acting class, I’m still reading from the script. To be seen without any props, even when pretending to be someone else, feels very intense. I know I haven’t done the work I need to do. Even rehearsing alone feels silly and challenging. How many times do I need to repeat the lines in order to remember them? How do I separate myself from this character enough to give her emotions? And why am I even putting myself through this torture once a week? Do I really want to be an actress?

No, I can’t say I do and that was never the point.

I want to feel like myself again — more confident in public speaking and being social after three pretty lonely, awkward years of pandemic (and grief) induced isolation. I want to honor the little girl inside me who would have thought an acting class was fun. And, as difficult as it is, she was right. It is fun. My absolute favorite part is being around energetic, quirky older adults who are openly silly, emotional and completely themselves. Just being around them brings me joy.

October was an extraordinarily busy month — sorry for the publishing delay!

Now that my schedule is back on track, I’ll be doing my homework this week and figuring out who Sandra, my character, really is and what she wants. Maybe answering those questions for her now will help me answer them for myself later.